A Couple of Times

She’s a drama queen, a pain in the ass- she even has the balls to get angry with my decisions. But I know its because she hasn’t let go.

Man, so what do you guys want a guy to do when he leaves a girl he’s not in love with and doesn’t want to be with any more- who made him miserable for a long time even when he tried to be good to her- who endured verbal abuse and an unloving relationship because he found a great girl who was spirited, fun, trusting, loving, supportive and HAPPY? My ex- who I was with for about 6 years was all the opposite of the qualities I just mentioned above.

I know. You’re asking “so why did you stick with her so long?”. I tell you; its because at first she was exciting. A couple years later you move in together. The nagging starts. But its ‘just who she is’. But she doesn’t trust you out with your posse. She doesn’t trust your intentions- you start to slowly see the insecurities screaming through - and then they start beating you. Beating you with names like stupid, and lazy, and usless-you’d thought this girl had your back, and the next thing- she’s your enemy. And you try to patch it up- you don’t want to fail. But she belittles you so constantly that you question your self, your worth, your purpose. You start to hate her.

And then this girl comes along. And she’s different. She’s light. And happy. And independent. She doesn’t NEED you. She’s interested in your ideas, your art, she encourages and supports…. And you look back to that other girl- in your house. Who hates you too. And you can’t wait to break free.

And when you decide its time. Suddenly you realize that the reason this girl you’ve been with so long is so horrible is because of those insecurities- and fear- causing the lashing out. And you tell her its over and still she tries to control you. But when she finally realizes you mean it and finally clues in that you are in love with some one else. Something strange happens- she breaks. You have not seen this before and suddenly there is a guilt and responsibility associated.

For me- it hurt to see her spin out of control. But only convicted me further about her instability. 3 years later she too texts me- calls me. Tells me about all her boyfriends (and fiancees!). I suspet much of it for show. She remains filled with drama, insecure, needy and angry. It comes inspurts directed at me- or anyone- and then the apologies, the begging. You realize its her cycle- it would have been my life. Every time I talk to her I feel so thankful I broke away. I think, partially, I remain her friend to remind myself how lucky I am today.

I am FINALLY happy. The ‘new’ woman remains by my side- now as my wife. The most soulful beautiful angel I’ve ever known. My ex- well- she’s an old chapter.Yes- as someone above mentioned- part of the reason I keep in touch is because I pity her and feel like I should be a friend. She’s a drama queen, a pain in the ass- she even has the balls to get angry with my decisions. But I know its because she hasn’t let go. I know her stories of new men and break ups are slightly subversive. Its her nature. I’ve got her number. Ill talk to her now to MY comfort level. I CHOOSE to only inform her very limited information on my life because I don’t care for her to really know me anymore- and how I’ve grown- and how my sweet wife is everything to me she never could be.

But still-how can I just tell her to fuck off ? I just keep hoping she gets it on her own and one day finds happiness, and friendship that doesn’t have to rely on me. Its a burden to me. She’s a burden to me. Yet I feel I should bear it til she’s got her shit together enough to finally move on. Until then I’ll occasionally reply to her ‘cutsey’ texts, emails and sometimes sign off “luv u” and xoxox. And internally be thanking my lucky stars that that is all I have invested in her anymore.

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