Sh*t Outta Luck
Who am I kidding?
Our relationship was dwindling, no wait, it had dwindled, but neither him nor I were ready to end it. At that point, the only thing that was mutual between him and I was our fear of tomorrow without one another or just plain stubbornness. Truthfully, it was both, who am I kidding? A day without him was so desired and yet so scary... I think if given a chance, he'd say the same.
And so one day, he calls me. He's panicked and I'm irritable and he doesn't even bother or remember to ask how I'm doing. Not that this would bother me much but at that moment, I was crying--lost. Realization is cruel and I had hoped that if I answered his call just this time I'd get comfort. But who am I kidding? A good lover, but a bad listener, except when it pertained to him or his well-being, he finishes whatever he was saying and I swear I heard all he said, offered support, although tearful, but I can't remember the details anymore. He asks why I'm crying and I say it's been a bad day. He pauses to only proclaim "And when were you going to tell me? to which I blurt out, "When you were done talking?"
He obviously heard a tone that he didn't approve of, but I tried to reassure him that it was not a "tone" but merely the answer to his question. Half-heartedly, I think he did it to just save face, he said "Well what's so bad about today?" And I start to answer, first with a sigh and the words come out slowly because I am truly over-whelmed and beaten down by my present situation, him included, but not primarily. I don't even remember what I did have a chance to say, because he cut me off, no surprise here, to only say "Shit outta luck Jan. Nothing good or right ever happens to you..."
I take a moment, a split moment to summon the courage to end this slow-death of a relationship all the while maintaining whatever ounce of composure I may have and to which I reply "Who am I kidding?"
Then I said "I'll let you go, bye." I know he thought I just meant that phone call. I should have taken a moment more to clarify... What I really meant to say was "I've let you go now. Good-Bye."