The wrong love of my life!

He was my first; my first true love, my first kiss, my first boyfriend, my first lover. I was never his only.

I met him. This, of course, is where it all began. I was young at the time. He was younger. I was also stupid at the time.
He was my first; my first true love, my first kiss, my first boyfriend, my first lover. I was never his only.
It all started out great. I loved him so much I thought I would explode from the pure happiness I felt whenever we were near. He held my hand and I would tremble. He looked lovingly into my eyes and brushed his knuckles across my cheek. I was so happy.
I did so much for him, and at the time, never noticed how little he did for me. I always put him first; where did he want to go, what did he want to eat, what movie did he want to watch. At the time, I didn't care remember because he was holding my hand, touching my cheek.
At the beginning, when it was quiet, we would have long talks about things we liked, disliked, hated... I remember special words we made up to represent things we did or feelings we had. Oh, did I forget to tell you that part? Our relationship was always kept a secret! So this was the reason for the special words or hand gestures we had. I remember thinking, during those quiet times, I wish we could just stay like this forever. All those types of thoughts come to you when you are as in love as I was. Reality doesn't set in. However, reality always roars in like a lion and devours that whole fairy-tale feeling.
I began to notice a difference when I would do something simple like pick the places we were going or try and pick the movie we were going to see. He would always appear annoyed and ignore the things I suggested. I also noticed how quickly he would get angry at people in public. For example, if a waitress didn't bring the right food to the table, he would begin demanding to see the manager and requesting the entire meal be compensated. I, of course, always wanted to curl up and die from embarrassment at the scene that was always caused. Also, I noticed he had terrible road rage. If a car cut us off in traffic, he would speed up and get really close to their bumper, waving his arms wildly or throwing up obscene gestures with his hands. At first I thought maybe this behavior was indicative of his age and immaturity in dealing with instances like this. I then began to notice his violent streak. He was cruel to animals or people who were younger or smaller than him. He would berate them or tease them mercilessly. When I would ask him to stop or tell him he was behaving like a tyrant, he began turning all that cruelty and anger towards me. This type behavior began turning into huge arguments between us that almost always ended up in hand-to-hand combat. Yes, he got physical with me when he was angry.
As bad as all that sounds, the quiet times would come around again, and he would apologize and brush my cheek. I would play the role of fool and give in. I did it so much that when towards the end I tried to make a stand, he didn't notice and thought it was nothing different from all our past arguments. Since all of this has been over, it really has amazed me to see all the bullshit I put up with from him. Before him, I was always the strong, outspoken type who didn't take any crap off people. I would never have put myself in that type situation had it started out with the violence and anger. But the sly and sneaky fox tricked me into losing my way. I was so lost that I couldn't find myself.
During all of this, he ended up getting another girl pregnant. I was devastated, and I am ashamed to admit that I stood by him and took it. Remember, no one knew we were together. Everyone just thought I was such a nice person to be so helpful and kind to a "friend" who made a mistake. All the while, I was dying from the pain of him cheating on me and now becoming a father. I am also ashamed to admit that I was jealous. I was jealous of the other girl, who will always have a part of him with her. I wanted his child. Isn't that crazy?? Even after all he had done to me, I still wanted us to get married and have children together. What was I thinking? To this day, I love his child more than he ever will. Yes, I am a part of his child's life and he is not. I know that sounds weird, but it is a strange situation.
So, after his child was born, he lost all abandon and began screwing around with other girls. Though it should have, none of this made me waiver in my decision to still be there for him. I was there for him whenever he wanted me to be, and he was there for me never. When I finally confided in someone else regarding my relationship, she was of course shocked and outraged that I was still in a relationship with this person.
The relationship went on for a few more years until he moved out of my life. Nothing changed. He was and still is the same person. He was the best and worst relationship I have ever had. He was the best in that he showed me what it felt like to be loved and adored. He was the worst because he didn't truly love and adore me.
Day by day, I move farther away from the person I became while I was with him. I am glad to say that I am becoming a stronger and more independent individual. I have not been in another long term relationship since him, but I am being cautious because I don't think I will survive going through another relationship like that one. And if you are wondering about him, he is married and living far away from me. I hear that he is treating his wife the same way he once treated me. Poor woman.


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