3 years of bad to worse
Its funny, humans by nature are judgemental. Many situation that you will never be in, you seem to claim to know an awful lot about or at least you claim you do. I never thought it was ok to cheat, and I never will, but what if the only corner you have left before contemplating suicide is in the arms of another, not out of spite or resentment but purely because you of wanting to feeling of being human again....
I met my ex in med school the first week of orientation. We claimed to fall in love so quickly. Moved in together within a month, and were engaged 6 months later. When you first fall in love with someone, you choose to look passed all and any flaws he or she has because you think it really doesn't matter. Our mothers were right when saying it does and ALWAYS will matter.
Our religion is Islam, and he was much more religious than I. I took his virginity and his feelings of guilt never really let us completely enjoy it, or any other part of the relationship for that matter. In fact as I write this I realize that his temper only got worse after that.. He'd get angry when I looked as if I was unpleased after sex and if I wasn't in the mood. He spoke to me rudely in public when he thought I was out of line or incorrect on any subject. He became suspicious of my cleanliness, so he would have me tested because of my "promiscious backround"...I remember the first time we went, he didn't even apologize after the results came back negative. Simply said I should understand where he's coming from.... Its a terrible feeling when the one you love thinks so little of you. I felt so dirty. I began to get very self conscious of myself. He didn't like me wearing certain clothes and so I would feel insecure about my looks as well, even though prior to that I really did believe myself to be a pretty girl.
He would push me to flirt with other men. He would get turned on by the idea of other men desiring me. I would tell him that made me feel as if he didn't want me but he would claim I was stupid for thinking such a way.
After our first year and a half of school, he took a semester off to study for his boards. It was only supposed to be for 4 months. And we were supposed to visit each other. He never came back. He never visited. I would ask him to let me visit. I would offer to pay for everything, as to not stress him out. He said he couldn't handle seeing me and that it could be years before we saw each other. And that I was weaker than he thought for not being able to handle it. He began telling me I had issues and should see a Psychologist. So I did. Mostly because I lost the "Strong independent" woman attitude I had instilled in myself for so long. I was weak and had constant feelings of inadequacy, and I was to a point that I so desperately wanted to make him (maybe us) happy again.
The Psychologist did help me somewhat. But I would feel better for only a few hours after leaving his office before all the inadequacies returned. I see why they make as much money as they do now.
He did tell me I should let me fiance know how I felt. That I was truly unhappy. That if he loved me his response would show it. I remember the day I told my fiance. All day I was so excited because I really thought it would be the end of our problems. I was sure that he would want to do everything in his power to make me happy once again. I built up all my courage to tell him.I lit up a cigarette sat by the window and told him how I felt. That I loved him and wanted to be with him forever. That I had been so unhappy for the past 6 months, that I didn't had suicidal thoughts. As I waited for his response I remember thinking "This is it, he finally understands". He breathed through cigarette puffs and asked if I was done saying what I had to say. When I said yes he let me know how he had been feeling too. Quite the opposite of myself. He stated how happy he was, and how long it had been since he'd been this happy. That he hated himself for being who he was at the school we attended. His response made me go numb. I couldn't believe it. I felt as if someone grabbed my heart and squeezed it as tight as they could. Eventually I went deaf to what he was saying and was just a corpse with no thought, or emotion but managed to allow my nerves to still work. That was the day I stopped caring.
I began going out with friends and drinking (I had stopped when we first started dating because my ex said he couldn't be with someone who consumed alcohol) At first I would rush home to try to make it in time for our nightly phone calls, but when I would come back to an empty machine with no messages I stopped doing that as well.
I was lonely. I was depressed. I was numb. Men do prey on the weak and so that is what happened. My friend "John" began spending more time with me. His flirtatious remarks were obvious to everyone and before I knew it we were in a heated affair. I wasn't the sex that drove me, but more the feeling of appreciation. John and I would spend our time with long talks, laughing for hours. We would run errands together, study together. I felt needed again. I felt human again. But I also felt disgusting. We were hiding from our friends, lying to our loved ones. I couldn't even look at myself in the mirror without wanting to cry.
Of course my fiance began to suspect that there was something wrong. He would call more frequently but nothing had really changed. When I flew home to visit my family on my time off from school, we broke up over the phone the night before I left. A week later I confessed to him what I had done. He behavior after that was very typical to an angry woman looking for revenge. He told our mutual friends at school, who went ahead and told other friends. He called my family and told them I was a drunk and a liar ( no muslim wants to hear such a thing of their family member, let alone a female) The break was messy and worse than the relationship. My friends who had so much respect for me stopped talking to me. John had come back to school and was now trying to work things out with his ex. I felt ashamed and used. But neither one of those things stopped him and I from continuing our affair.
It will be a year this May that my ex and I broke up. I keep waiting to get over the situation. I haven't been the same since it happened and I don't think i'll ever be. On one hand I know what I will never put up with again and never allow myself to be in such a situation again. On the other I lost the feeling of believing in love. I lost the view I had with respect and kindness without ultimatums. I trust no one, I question everyone. My only regret from cheating, was never breaking up with my ex before I began seeing John. I loved my ex and gave him more than I ever had, which I will also never do again. Women want to give themselves to their beloved because they think thats how love is supposed to work. And in a perfect world it does. But now I know that Love is just a feeling. Love is just...Love To make it anything more means changing who you, and never liking who you become.
Next time you hear about someone who cheated, don't always judge. I never thought it was ok to cheat, and I never will. I recognize what I did was wrong. But when your being pushed towards a cliff, how long do you push back for? I sometimes feel I was being pushed off a cliff. Instead of waiting for that final push though, I just chose to jump off.