Bent thought

I’m sorry but I wasn’t thinking straight. I was weak. Saw a friendship and mistook it for love.

It’s never going to be easy explaining this without any sort of rage bubbling through, but I’ll try.

She befriends you after you’ve left the country – still reeling from the hit of leaving friends behind(proper ones made for the first time in your life), she knows you’re an idiot with women, have never had a girlfriend, made comical errors in trying to hook up with girls you’ve fancied and only made an arse of yourself. She knows all this; some of it right at the beginning of contact, and the rest during the friendship.

Still, when she breaks up with her boyfriend of 2 years (first ever might I add) she seeks comfort in the worded emails and chats of a fellow she’s only known via emails living in a completely different continent. By the way, the fellow happens to be me.

Slowly she starts hinting at us having some sort of special bond, which was true but as far as friendship went. Having mentioned already what a naive fool I am with women, it shouldn’t surprise anyone that I began to reciprocate the feelings as they came by, thinking to myself – so what if this is weird and long distance?
Someone for the first time cares about you this way; don’t throw it away because it is unconventional.

At first I was unsure of it due to the weird circumstances, then I open up to it via the argument used above. She breaks me down in to a softer version; one who feels things stronger and says them to the person concerned – and a few bits of it on a blog.
We managed to emotionally support each other over 20,000 odd miles with the hope of meeting in a few months’ time. When one was weak, the other toughened to carry the torch. She feels this is love and I agree – can’t even look at myself now for having ever thought that.

She tells her friends about me. They advice her to not jump in to this immediately after a break up but she’s adamant as she tells me about it, and I quote – ‘I told them that this with you feels right, it just does.’

Four and a half months pass like that; looking forward to the magical time when we meet in the flesh properly. Having had an empty teenage due to mum’s issues in letting me go and my image among my peers in general, I break down contrasting that with the situation as it stood now where someone claimed she loved me and I felt something mutual.

Slowly I experience a chill, I feel her slipping away. I try to stay supportive, being anxious about her and all that but only because earlier she liked that about me. I shed all my inhibitions for her and turn in to a new man – cut down on my regular swearing, free use of the C word, etc, etc, etc.

One fine day, this is what I hear from her. “I’m sorry but I wasn’t thinking straight. I was weak. Saw a friendship and mistook it for love.”

So basically, when you need me you break me down by striking my weaknesses, adamantly ignore all sound advice from friends who know what they’re talking about, then want out as soon as you realise your mistake, leaving me broken, which happened for you in the first place as I didn’t want to treat you bad by being emotionally unavailable.

Well, now you may defend yourself by saying we both made mistakes and all the rest of it. Truth is, we did. But another truth is, you led the way, My mistake? I followed. But for a bloke who has never had a decent looking woman give him the time of the day, it’s an easy one to make. No denying I was at fault too, but you bloody started it.

Now thanks to you, I’m emotionally charred for the rest of my life because guess what – I don’t have women just waiting out there for me to lean on, and/or shag, pick myself back up and then leave – or something like that. I made some space for you in my life, now it’s left empty and funny enough as much as I deny it any attention I still hear an echo resonate off the emptiness. This must have been a joke by the forces at play here, ruddy good one I must admit.

A bit like placing a plate of food in front of a starving man, tying up his hands so he can smell but not eat, then take it away at the end anyway because you weren't 'thinking straight'.

Icing on the cake – I delete you off my facebook so I don’t have to constantly be reminded of you when I’ve a hundred things to do, and you judge me on that in your blog. Call me juvenile and low for it. Well, you’re one to talk. Nice work there. Thanks a lot.

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