never again a smile

how is it that he can smile when never again a smile will I host?

I was with my boyfriend for 1 year. It was one of the most amazing things that had ever happened to me. He was so sweet and kind and had such a way with words every time he wrote to me my heart would melt. He was truly everything to me. I loved he with every atom in my body and soul. I loved him more every time I saw him. Every time he spoke to me. Every time he held me to him or kissed me I felt my heart over flowing. We shared so much and were so happy both of us. He was my every thing. I planned my every breath around him, around us. I loved him so much I would have died for him. He was so perfect. He would write to me and tell me that he would love me even after he died ever after I died. He would tell me hwo beautiful I was and how happy I made him. He told me I was his angel and he would die if I ever left him. He told me I was his everything and that he would love me til the end of time. I went to every event that involved him. When I planned my weekend I planned it to fit with his. He always told me that no matter what he would be there for me. I believed him when he said that I could tell him anything. I believed him and I did, I did tell him everything. He was my prince charming, my knight in shining armor, my Mr. Perfect, he was my savior! When he told me he would love me forever, I trusted that he would, but now I now some forevers last a lifetime or longer others a barely seconds. It was a week after we had been together for 1 whole year, we had what I thought was a simple misunderstanding. Let's just say that was a big mistake. it was the weekend when it started, I was nervouse to see him on Monday afriad I would do something stupid to mess up our relationship. Monday came and their was very little comunication, at the end of the day there was no sign of love not even a hug. Tuesday came all to similar to Monday, again I went home with a feeling of emptyness. Then on Wednesday it happened. I had asked him to come and talk with me. My feelings were raw and very visible. I sat there facing him ready to pour my heart out to him to fix this, this whatever it was. he sat there across from. It was awkward to sit here when I was so used to sitting with his arms wrapped tight around me but now he seemed so far away. I looked at him for a second more then began. I told him how I loved him more than anything or anyone I had ever come into contact with. I told him I would do anything to stay with he to keep what we had alive. Then the bell rang ending our lunch break. He looked at me and said, "There is something I wanted to tell you as well. I, I think we should just be friends. I just can't be with you anymore." I looked at him this man that I loved with more of myself than I thought I ever had. He had just told me he didn't love me anymore. "Is there anyway I can change your mind? I'll do anything!" I said my voice steady but soft. He just looked at me with his deep hazel eyes. "Okay. Well I guess we better go then." My last words to him. Then I stood up and walked out the tears starting to wel-up in my eyes. I walked away from him from my life from my eveything. I walked out then when I stopped my body began to shake.I could not stop moving. everything inside and out of my head began to spin. I could barely stand. I felt myself go into the floor I wished I could just dissappear and never come back again. I felt so small in this big space and yet the space was to small to contain all of me. I felt I could have run around the world 80 times and still had more energy. My life was over I was lost I was not me. There was no me. I did not exist anymore there was nothing left of me. He had taken all of me and used every drop of my soul he had taken my heart but he didn't have the guts to give it back. I knew already that part of me most of me died that day. My one wish of being loved by him was over. My whole being had been sucked dry torn up then spit back out then locked away in a cage with bars that could never be broken. The happieness that I was, was now soemthing for others to laugh at or pretend to be sorry for. My pain was now their play thing. I was dead my life was over I would never laugh again I wouid never, could never love again. There was nothing left. Now nearly two months later I have still not found myself again. I see him every day his smiling face. I hear his laughter. I know every feeling. But I no longer can feel those things he has taken them away from me. I wish more than anything else that I could have that again. But I can't he has forgotten all those empty promises. He has forgotten all of the effort I gave. He has forgotten just how much he said he could give me. He left those all in the past while I still dwell in a place of darkness. He left me here in the dark with not even a match. He took what he wanted then left me to fumble blindly without a compass. He left me to find my way alone as he forgets my pain I remember his love. he left me with nothing more than a memory. He is what I was. We were always two. Together always never truly one without the other. Now I see what I had and what he left. I wonder was I really that bad. I wonder when did it stop when did his love for me end? Why did it end? He said he would love me forever. why did I think it would be a lifetime when really all I could do was hope. I hate to say that I really do still love him. How you might ask? I do not know. He couldn't tell me why he stopped loving me and I can't tell you why I still do love him. He wa s one of the only people I ever felt safe talking to. Sometimes I think He knows or knew more about me than I do. I don't know who said it but the quote remember your first everything well in this case I wish I didn't. I know that some day maybe I will see the reason things had to end but right now all I see is what happened before my heart was broken. those times were wonderful but I sometimes wonder what I would be like without all of this. They say the first cut is the deepest, this was my first heartbreak and I can't believe there could be anything more painful so I really hope that is true. The more I think about him the more I see what her truly is and was. I see things now that I never saw when we were together. Some of these things make me sad and I am amazed that I did not see them before. Some of the things I see show me that he was not and is not perfect, but all I saw in him was his perfection. The things I see most are the things that show me I still love him. He hurt me so much andn he can not even see it. I still ask myself why and how he could end things so easily and I had no idea the end was coming? How could he be so calm and collected when I could barley stand? How can he be so happy now when my pain is still so visible and close to the surface? Most of all what did I do? what did I say? What is it that I am that he could not even try to tell me I was not good enough? How is it that he can every day live his life to the fullest? How is it that he can smile when never again a smile will I host? Why me?


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