I Did It on AIM

The biggest fear was losing my best friend when I all I wanted to do was drop the girlfriend part.

I Did It on AIM

To reach the point of breaking up with someone you have been intimate with for over a year, there requires a certain amount of boldness, an ability to take action, as well as being confident enough in your decision. In this day and age with electronic communication, the boldness has become less of a necessity. To be fair, our relationship was not a normal one anyway, where most of our communicating took place through AOL Instant Messenger or text messages since she did not like talking on the phone longer than a few minutes, and where we expressed our affection much like fourth graders do: calling each other names and saying we hated one another. Still, I feel I owed the first girl I ever broke up with the decency of doing it in person.
We had been dating for over a year when a part of me began to doubt my happiness. It was a small ulcer in the back of my mind that I would often forget about. Going three weeks without seeing her every so often made this easier. Around early October I had enough doubt to ask a friend how he knew it was time to break up with his girlfriend. I received decent advice: you will never know. After that I then got excessive silliness, which I suppose I should have expected. Instead of giving up on her right away, I put in additional effort. I started watching one of her favorite shows, we would watch it together sometimes, and then we would joke about it and analyze it together like nerds. It helped me remember why I started dating her in the first place. This kept me going until January.
During Christmas break, for her, since she is still in school, we spent more time together. Instead of this healing feelings that I thought were loneliness, I realized I was unhappy because even when I was with her, I felt lonely. It was very simple, really. Right from the beginning I knew she was not a very affectionate girl. That was fine by me, at the time. I had been single over four years and had only random play on two occasions due greatly to circumstances beyond the control of my own awkward behavior. She and I grew closer over the year mostly due to our interest in each others’ intellect, our ability to converse for hours without boring each other. I do believe that being physically attractive helped us in the movement toward a relationship, but after a year, I realized that I did need more affection then a kiss here and there after asking for it and sex maybe three times. At first I thought I could ask her to try and be a little more affectionate, but I realized soon that she was already doing more than she liked and to ask more of her would be to ask her to be another human being. And that was when I hit the realization that I had to do something.
I thought I had more time, honestly. Then I realized she was going back to school sooner than I realized, and would be farther away, and I did not really want to plan out a date and drive out there just so I could shove it in her face in person. So I texted her and told her I wanted to talk to her on the phone about something. I went out to eat with my family, could not eat, and she called me on the way home. I told her I could call her back, but she said I could just tell her online. Hence: I did it on AIM. I had it all planned out. I was going to talk about the two greatest parts of our relationship: our friendship, and how we always went with the flow. This was me going with the flow, and that I felt we were always just better as friends than anything else, and we should go back to that. I meant every word.
The biggest fear was losing my best friend when I all I wanted to do was drop the girlfriend part. After I pushed Enter, which took more power than it does to run a small business, and after I convinced her it was not some awful joke, she called me, crying. Before being able to even completely explain myself, tears welled up in my eyes and I stuttered through basic speech. When I finally finished, she “had to call me back,” and I received an IM about three years later, ten minutes real time. She seemed more cool and collected, and we were able to talk a little. I did not hear from her the next few days, but like Christ, on the third day, our communications resurrected and I was able to slowly mend our friendship. It still did not stop hurting until a week later, though, when I realized I could possibly love again. After that, the occasional waves of loneliness and doubt were brief and light, and now she and I chat as usual. I knew everything was fine when she was calling me a “homo fag” again.

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