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and then i went and didn't do it again

I sat on the grass in the summer, wondering how this could be happening. Again. And wondering why I thought being outside in the sun would make this easier. While he focused on looking at anything but me, I landed on this: this break up will be different because we never sit in the grass.


"You have to choose," I said. "You can either treat me right or it's over."


He looked at my eyes. Held my gaze. I didn't back down. This is what strong … Read more »

Not the Guy I Married

He had served as my best friend, lover, confidant and surrogate family member for all those years. We had uprooted and moved to three very different states. We survived Louisiana, unemployment, infertility, home-buying and the deaths of our respective parents. Our beloved handicapped cat had died in my arms on our frantic way to the emergency vet. He was everything good in my life.

That is, for a while. One night, I was driving home from work, dead on my feet from the overtime. … Read more »

He who laughs last...

I told my ex that I was getting married the same day her new boyfriend dumped her.

It wasn't the guy that she was sleeping with while we were together that caused me to move out.

But it was a guy she started sleeping with soon after I moved out for "six months so we could each have time alone to figure out what it was we wanted."

She cried.

I acted as if I felt bad.

I only laughed after I left … Read more »

Bro's before hoe's!

I pretty much dicked over my best friend, Kassim, for his ex-gf. During my first year at university, my best friend introduced me to his then girlfriend. We became good friends, as much we sort of had to, friendship by association. They broke up at some point, but she kept on calling me, and we kept our "friendship" going, but without his really being aware. We kept up the phone calls, the chatting, the meeting up for "coffee", all under the pretense of friendship even though we both sort … Read more »

What should have been said.

I could have said:
stay
be mine
we have so much more to
say or simply
I love you

what I said instead was

good luck to you and
hope it goes well
and she did
Go.

Part of me wants to know how she is but the rest
doesn't matter because the how doesn't involve me and won't ever involve me.

My ex is a clown.

Actually, he *is* a clown. I was the one he turned to when his marriage fell apart. For 10 months I put up with his griping about his ex wife.

I got rid of him when the sex got dull.

Tracy Lord's Map of the Western World

Everybody needs his memories. They keep the wolf of insignificance from the door. ~Saul Bellow


I am looking out a window, now. And once, I was looking out a window, in some such hot New Mexico afternoon. Seven years old, some 28 years ago. Me, I, my face, my body, sitting in the back of that dirty brown station wagon, face pressed against the rear glass, looking out that window into the Cannon Air Force Base PX parking lot. Saturday shopping with The Father, … Read more »

cancer vs. pisces - the disease always wins

Mis-managed, mass murder, puppy dog/baby slaughter.
this heart, beating bruised, my heart, broken by you.
pink house, pretty lips, my stupid smile, quickly slipped.
want to forget, have to move-on, she's not good enough for me? not good enough for the pawn?
i'll make my mistakes, and decide if they are, just a hope that you don't break her young heart.

He was the first.

It was Grade 7 and the rumors had been circulating for a good 2 hours now, he was going to ask me out. I've never been asked out before...What do I do? I don't like him but I don't want to be mean. Lunch hour emerges and after a solid 10 minutes of pacing he walks over to me (along with 10 other people following him). "Hey, can I ask you something?" He says with a sly grin on his face. I respond nervously "uh...yeah. What's up?" Then he did … Read more »

bad luck with first boyfriend

I was still a kid when i had my first boyfriend. worst boyfriend i've ever had. he had blond hair and blue eyes. i had short hair at the time. we had been going out for a year and a half. in the middle of the school year, a new girl with beautiful dark skin (not black, but darkish, like she had a built in tan) and long black hair transfered in. she acted so sweet and innocent. she pretending to hate her beautiful skin color. she was nice … Read more »

Sharon

I wasn't ready for the love of my life. We met at University and she taught me about who I am and never let me getaway with anything. No self-pity, no half-baked ideas, no unquestioned beliefs. She kept me honest and she loved me for me and I let her go.

Why is the grass greener on the other side of the fence?

I have come to the belief that there is no one perfect person for everyone. Rather, there are lots of people … Read more »

My Ex Never Felt

My ex never felt what I felt. She never drove by my house to see if there was a light on. She never called me because she saw a star. She never took the time to watch me change with the seasons, and stay the same like the wooden bench in the park.
She didnt cry when she let me go, she didnt cry when I walked away.
She wouldnt cry if she read this.
But she wont read this.

Her Initials Spelled "HELP"

Tomorrow is my b-day, so it’s an opportunity to think about what’s happened to me in the past year. I have a high libido, but, early last year I realized that my sons were having more sex than me. I had long since stopped brushing up against strangers and was waiting to have copious amounts of sex with the right partner. I wasn’t meeting interesting women at chicken breast counters at Albertson’s or at internet cafes. I needed to make a change. So I bought … Read more »

"LIPPY" 1992

I was living in a rundown, one hundred an twenty dollars a month, rooming house in downtown Gallipolis, Ohio. It was three stories of constant madness that heightened on the first of the month while becoming very brutal towards the end of each month. I was collecting an honest, bi-weekly, unemployment check. That, I believed, made me better, and somehow kept me a half a step in front of surrounding pack who waited on the mail lady for their means. You see, I had chased a girl from the grey … Read more »

Last Dance

There’s a scene that plays repeatedly inside my head. It’s one of a handful of evening we shared while he knew our fate and I still didn’t.

I am sitting on the couch doing a crossword. He is up and about the apartment doing something with his new electronics. They have slowly replaced me. One by one, they have slowly replaced us: the flat screen, the surround sound, the DVR, the wireless, … Read more »

cheater.

Once a cheater, always a cheater. All the way to dry humping with a girl. Took a break. He took advantage of that. All the way to true humping.

my ex had a double life

On my first offical date with my ex, we went to a gay bar with one of his friends. He said it was a fun place and that we would have a good time. I thought it was weird - but then - maybe I was being a bit uptight. Anything is possible.

Anyway, he was nice and we had fun - then we went back to my place and had sex. One week later, we were engaged - then one month later - we were married.

During … Read more »

The lullaby junkie

I was 24 years old and could honestly say that I had never been in love, I had been pretty close once but he shattered my faith in him long before I had managed to succumb. But nevertheless we had a baby together. Three long years passed and I felt very alone, but very busy. My daughter filled the space that I felt and I had a couple of boyfriends that fluttered in and out of my life. I had decided with much certainty that I … Read more »

ex

I have an ex. doesn't everyone?