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When I broke up with her, it was over the phone, pathetically, two thousand miles away from her, my brain two hundred feet down a well. I explained, as sincerely as I could manage: It wasn't her; it was me; not her fault I was breaking up with her because of somebody else's dream.

Let me explain. We dated for the latter half of our sophomore year of college: The whirling, wild-haired beauty, half sorority girl and half hippie and me (experimental, uncertain, struggling to reconcile …

The finality of it is starting to really hit me. I'm weighed down with the knowledge that the situation has gotten beyond us. Now judges, lawyers, and government agencies have gotten involved, and a simple fix has become impossible.

I can't even talk to the person who at one time had been my closest friend. I can't write her. The sight of the letter I wrote her in the hands of her lawyer made my heart sink in a way I can't even begin to describe. The feeling …

I have always been so successful at worming my way out of commitments that breakups rarely come into the picture. Instead, those conventional tragedies have been historically replaced by an ugly conglomerate of crying jags, ill-timed proclamations of love, and straight swigs from the nearest bottle of time-travel juice. The sins are equally divided between myself and my victims. Minor crimes that resonate like felonies.

My last breakup, being the end of an _actual_ relationship, surprised me by being even more tortuous and dramatic than those …

I once dated a second rate magician/actor who sometimes filled in for Santa.

To him I say: Thank you for justifying my irrational teenage angst. I finally have a good reason to hate the world.

But anyway that was then and I am happy now which is more than can be said for him.


I keep taking him back.

He’s beautiful, but differently than he was when he first tempted me in to his house of cards. He’s still muscular, but not strong; still immature, but not young; still sad, but not lonely; still quiet, but no longer honest. The other girls in his life still turn to me for advice, even though we haven’t had a real conversation in months. It feels like years.
He’s changed; and I can’t help wondering if I changed him. After …

[lower case for speed, not affectation]

i asked him what were the big things that had been missing from our marriage. after he was already leaving us. i just wanted to know. i was asking for the deep empty places in the spirit that i'd failed to nourish.
his answer:

1 "better clothes." ok, go on.
2 "better cars." right, what else?
3 "better …

We didn't mean to do it. Two years knowing each other without the slightest hint of anything more than friendship, but there we were, naked on the office floor having the best sex of our lives. Well, at least my life. We sort of just fell in to it, this love thing. Like the gallon of ice cream that sits in the freezer unopened. You know it's there and no one is eating it. You look at it long enough and soon come to …
"What the fuck just happened?" kept going through my mind.

It's true that we'd decided to think about our relationship, and that we weren't as close as we'd once been. Not that we'd ever had that super fuck spark. You know the one. The first few weeks of a relationship where you can't keep your hands off of each other? Maybe that was the first clue. Too bad we both missed it about four years ago...

She claimed I didn't find …
Died. Without Knowing I Loved Him.

He left our fine, trusting old dog on the highway. He thinks babies are like trash from Mcdonalds- to be thrown away. High on pot and his own drama, he breaks up four years by cell phone. Starts a requisite folkster band from his scyscapering view of Ivy league entitlement. His baby, his baby,our baby- is there a heart in him or a soul? No soul/Faux soul. I used to believe every song.

I love sports. He prefers grooming himself.
I play sports in the snow, in the mud, in the rain. He's concerned the SPF would hurt his eyes.
I love beer. He hates it when I belch.
I cannot stop swearing like a sailor. He thinks he's a saint.
I like a quiet afternoon with my favorite book. He thinks HE is my favorite book.
I am willing to drive five hours across two states to see my team play. He thinks I am wasting my weekend away.
I love …
He broke up with his ex because she cheated on him. He had feelings for me. We eventually started dating. Then I find out how much of a condescending prick he is and break up with him after a few months. Turns out, he was still in love with his ex the entire time anyway. Then after the break up he decides he wants to change his mind and love me instead and promises to change. Oh, he did change. He turned into a puppy dog and it made me …
Wonderful! Outlived them both.
Our garden-level apartment in Fort Collins was home to Clemitis that crawled the walls. It was home to the stench of sunlight pouring in through the thick white draw-curtains. After my accident, after he had been so careful not to care, I went back to riding. I got back up on that horse. He was only good for his paycheck, and even that was only minimally useful. At the top of my game, nationals approaching at a furious pace, I sat down one morning in …

We became friends in seventh grade but what I didn't know was that he had a crush on me and that I felt same towardshim well I didn't hear or see him for two years and me and my friends went out roller skating and someone taps me on the sholder I turn around and it was him mymiddle school crush an then at the end of the night he asked me out and I said yes well we talked every night and one night in conversation it …

Today marks the first month since we broke up. No "break up" sex. No protestations for change. Nothing. With the last three years being the most tumultuous of my life, it seemed ironic that our last moments as a couple were spent calmly eating dinner, still loving one another but knowing deep down that it's time to move on.

We would torture each other with the "on again, off again" palaver. Friends and family barely able to keep up. Becoming a farce; even to ourselves...

I finally …

There was a time I thought I'd never find the one. This organically led to several years in which I projected "oneness" onto every guy I dated, thus put up with a ton of crap. Here, I celebrate "the ones."

There was the one who let me leave after I said, "If you let me leave right now, I am never coming back."

There was the one who wanted to take nude photos of me. When I finally let him take …

Semper Fidelous. What does that mean? Forever faithful. Does he even know what that means? He was faithful, but not forever. I'm sixteen and STILL in love with a Marine Jerk. Yes, a Marine. He is eighteen and every bit an arrogent, know-it-all jerk. What do expect from young Jarheads.
He professed his love to me through engagement. Yes engagement. We were, but that's over. He didn't like me for me any more. Better late than …
Great times, great memories...it's too bad you turned into a stalker.
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