Magical Thinking is Real
It had been a wrenching day. My daughter and I fought, loved and worked out way through five years of tragedy, worry, loss, blame, guilt and fear. My heart ached because, after taking an oath to the universe that this would never happen, I had become her daughter. I had been careless with my girl. The circumstances aside, I hadn't tending this precious 29 year old miracle with the thoughtful care and love that was the foundation of our love, and my job in our fifteen years together. We ended up attached again. With this, came the awful burden of love. I had almost convinced myself that my worth to her was nothing. I was appalled to hear her worry about me, ashamed at the necessary offer of help, secretly relived. All of a sudden, I remembered I was a mother. I stood straight up. I apologized. I took my mom roll back with pride and humility. She handed me her trust back after so much time of never knowing if I would cherish it or drop it. Again, I felt fear. My daughter, driving all over town to tend to everyone's needs, mine included. It was hard to remember that I was the one who was supposed to worry, not create worry. Suddenly I worry again. I wear that as a hard won honor. I think very lofty thoughts about love, role reversal, the wonder of this amazing woman who was the joy of my life. I am riding on the high of a reconnection. I am raising this to hallowed halls. I am secretly feeling a moment of pride at my skills as a mother. I am awed by her courage and truth. I am marveling that i could allow my own girl to come to me, help me. I am tellling myself I am worried because I feel guilty that she had to go so far, work so hard, worry so much. That is why i am worried, I am sure. She has so much on her plate. Suddenly, a three word email from her sister. I have drowned. I panic. I text her sister, email her, call her. At last, the worry drives me to my daughter. I text her, call her, email her. No answer from anyone. Is this real? Is it really possible to be punished by the universe for careless treatment of your own child? Isn't that the ultimate childlike perception of an unknown situation? It must be my fault. Magical thinking, in reverse. If I worry, it can't be that bad. It will be too much for my girl, because I was too much. The world revolves around me. Such childlike feelings should lead me to magical thinking. Everything is fine. It is just a figure of speech. The girls are all laughing together. Still, no answer. Now I face the truth. If I feel something is wrong, it almost always is. That is the magical thinking that is real. Intution. Is excessive pride really punished? Are the Greeks really right? Still no word.