How I Lost What Was Never Really Mine
Nobody ever tells you what to do when they get on the plane and leave you behind.
I fell in love with my best friend at seventeen. We had been best friends since elementary school. He was a funny-to-compensate-for-the-insecurity type. He loved to play the piano. I got into writing during this time. I found myself writing poetry about long fingers dancing across piano keys. That should have been my first clue.
He moved away before our freshman year of high school. Still, we remained as close as ever. I didn't see him again until the summer before our senior year of high school. He surprised me, showed up at my door, hugged me. We spent a glorious weekend together. Catching up, reminiscing. I wanted to kiss him. I didn't, because he had just gotten his heartbroken by his girlfriend back home. So I waited. I didn't say anything. I was waiting for him to get over his girlfriend, who he clearly was still hung up on. They got back together about five months later. So I waited for them to break up. I waited a year.
January of 2011, during my freshman year of college, I wrote him a letter. Told him everything. How I couldn't even breathe somedays. About how much I loved him. How I waited, and waited.
He never responded.
It wasn't until I called him months later, begging for him to talk about it, that he opened up. Said that he was sorry. Said he loved me as much as he could, even though it wasn't how I wanted it to be. I cried. He thanked me, for my honesty. He told me he would give me anything I wanted. Time, space, whatever. But he couldn't give me the one thing I really needed: him.
I haven't talked to him since.
I chose this as my moment, not because it changed the course of my life. Because really, it didn't. I had always been ballsy enough to reveal my feelings. I am a writer. Writing a letter wasn't new or difficult. Even dropping the letter in the mailbox was easy. It's a simple task.
I chose this as my moment because it is a moment that I will remember for the rest of my life. I'll remember his voice on the phone telling me he didn't love me. I'll remember the echoes of my shaking voice through the receiver. I'll never forget the way I broke down after all that. It messed me up; there's just no way around it.
Which is why, to any girl or guy out there, possibly reading this, I tell you. I beg you. Please, tell them how you feel. Don't wait. Don't hesitate. Don't miss your chance, like I did.
Everyone always says to "rush to the airport, spill your guts, tell him how you feel, declare your feelings of love". We've seen this scene so many times in our favorite movies. But nobody ever tells you what to do when they get on the plane and leave you behind. That's the part that nobody talks about.