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Planting a seed

My parents divorced I was 12 1/2 and hadn't seen my Dad in almost a year,we went to California to visit him and the first day there my brother was hit by a car. He only needed stitches much to all our relief. Our Dad told us not to tell our Mom what happened because he was afraid she would make us come home and he wouldn't see us again, that planted the seed. About two weeks later our cousin came over to visit and wanted my sister and brother to walk up to the store with him, he didn't want me coming along so I stayed by myself at my Dad's house. They were only gone for about 10 minutes when I had a severe panic attack. I had never felt anything that bad happening to me before and didn't know what to do. I was somehow able to get myself under control and calm down, I never told anyone about it because I didn't think they would understand what happened. After we got home that summer I wasn't quite the same, I didn't like being by myself and was afraid my family would disappear and I would be left to fend for myself. I remember talking to my Mom about what was going on inside my head but she didn't understand it, that little seed that had been planted nearly a year before started to grow. In that moment I realized I would have to keep things to myself because it was easier than trying to explain what was going on.
By the time I was 16 things started calming down inside my head, the fear of being alone was in hiding but keeping my thoughts and feelings to myself was thriving. Shortly after I turned 21 I learned it was a hard way to live in the form of a deep depression. I ended up in therapy for awhile which helped to unlock a lot of garbage I had stowed away for so many years. I am now 46 years old and still tend to keep things to myself, I find it easier at times than to try and explain myself, once that seed was planted it changed me.
If I gained anything from all this is that I became a stronger person and that I can rely on myself when the chips are down, that is the biggest benefit.


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