when I finally got it

recovery will happen

I am a 44 yr old woman that just started living her life and wanting to live it. For a very long time I didn't want to live, all I wanted was alcohol, drugs, making stupid desicions and never took responsibility for nothing. Sitting at a bar all day getting so drunk that I can't remember nothing was a good time to me. I did it just about every night. My world was drinking and my life revolved around this lifestyle. I thought I was just blowing off steam or having fun because all young people do this. I will grow up sooner or later, I told myself. Hurting people I did, but was I sorry? hell no I wasn't. I was selfish self-centered and denial was my best friend. I used my past as leverage for my actions and dared anyone to say different. I burnt so many bridges that i lost count and still I thought my life was great!! As long as I had a bar to go to and had alcohol with me when I got home I was happy. This went on longer than a phase, this went on half my life. I had kids and I didn't change, i lost custody of a child and still didn't change..I made excuse after excuse and justified everything in my mind to feel i was the victim, that i was the one who was suffering. What a liar i was. Reality was nonexsistent and my world got smaller by the day. An alcoholic? Hell no i can stop anytime I want, but I am no quitter, I am not hurting nobody so everyone needs to back off, because I don't care what anyone says. I have went through so many cars, and not a scratch, not one...I just thank God I didn't kill anyone in my drunkeness. I was in my 30's when I started feeling the pain of it all. I hated looking in the mirror, I began hating everyone and everything and my life.Death consumed my thoughts, depression ruled my reality, and alcohol ran my life. My life fully out of control I started looking at myself, I saw what I have ignored and dreaded. I didn't need to hit the so called "rock bottom" I've been there all along. But something in my mind clicked over to let me see from the outside looking in, and i hated what i have become. The only person that can save me is myself and I decided right then, in my house on my knees, crying out to God to help me rise out of this hell I have lived in for so long. My prayer was answered and I slowly dug myself out of the fire...It was the best feeling of my life. I admitted everything I denied, I began mending broken hearts, and helping heal deep wounds I have caused to so many. It didn't happen overnight, it took years to get a life back. Its been 12 years since that day in my house. I now go to college and I am studying community behavior health/addictions so I can give back the joy of recovery..An alcholic?? yes I am.....sober 12 years....and finally got it...................If your in this hell don't be afraid to reach out for help, you can recover..I hope my story helped someone finally get it.....