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Nomad Lover

They never warn you about that: the fear of forever.

I love the newness of uncharted skin; every land different from the one before it, every scent more intoxicating than the last. I'm an explorer at heart, and I know that there are miles and miles worth of lands in this world that I've yet to discover.
When I was a little girl I never thought about my wedding day or played house with the boys in our old apartment building in the Bronx. And as a teenager I never flipped through the pages of bridal magazines, cutting out bouquets, and dresses, and churches, and little smiling people, to make a wedding day collage.
Now, I wasn’t a major tomboy and I can’t recall ever accusing the boys in grade school of having kooties. I may have climbed a tree here and there, but I had more barbies and dream houses then every girl on the block combined. I refused to wear anything but dresses and skirts until I was 8 years old. And boys? Well, I had my first sweet kiss when I was six 6. I’ve been obsessed ever since.
No, I didn’t think about marriage, but I thought about love. I thought about love all the time.
My daydreams were of the perfect man; strong mentally and physically while still vulnerable in the most beautiful way. He would be adventurous and wild, yet thoughtful and kind. He would possess a quiet confidence, with a touch of sadness behind the eyes. He would be the one to make me feel safe, in a world that continuously made me want to hide.
Yes, I spent many days and nights thinking of the man I would love, whom would love me in return. A man described as above who would recognize the fire behind my shyness, the passion behind the coldness, the untamable spirit behind the timid soul. I thought of this man and the relationship we would build. The life we would lead. Somehow, though, marriage never seemed to enter into the equation.

Truth be told, I did come close to seeing the whole picture once; cutting out my very own collage of the perfect Big Day.
He was a beautiful man with all the things I knew I wanted, and some of the things I didn’t know I needed until it was too late.
It was amazing how easily I came to trust, love, and imagine “Now, Forever” with him. That's what the card said. The one he gave to me one day: "Now, Forever", written at the center of two hearts drawn over one another.
It was the closest I had ever been to that land called Bliss. But one day fear crept in and stole me away.
They never warn you about that: the fear of forever.
Since then, I've yet to find the inspiration to dream up such a time as a wedding, or a vow of “till death do us part.” I know, or rather, I've accepted, that just as three will never count up to two and tomorrow will never hold yesterday inside of it, my second chance with Now, Forever will never come. So I move along.
I travel from land to land, losing myself along the winding and foggy roads of For The Moment lovers; pieces of the world that call out to me, in need of some care and attention.
I suppose if you didn't know me you would say that I was lost. If you did know me, you would say that I am grounded in my search. But if you were me, you would understand what I've come to understand today - after having, for the first time in my 26 years, agreed to trespass with a smile and sense of relief - I am a nomad lover; here today and gone tomorrow.
I love the newness of uncharted skin; every land different from the one before it, every scent more intoxicating than the last. I am an explorer at heart, and I know that there are miles and miles of lands in this world that I've yet to discover. So I travel light and practice patience, not for a ring but a home.

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