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To Fight Back.

I battled with the devil, I battled depression.

I was depressed. I was tired of living this day to day life, feeling like a zombie. And I have only been living for 17 years, so what was the point of spending the other 70 years feeling like this? I was always described as somebody who is always smiling, always laughing, always happy. But the darkness engulfed me, and I didn't know why, I didn't know why I was being dragged down by this force and I couldn't fix it. I fought, I argued, I slept, I pushed, I was lost, and I got pulled farther down into the dark abyss of depression. I lost friends, I fought with my family, I felt alone. I'd miss school on a weekly basis, and when I did go I would be surrounded by a sinking feeling of terror and wouldn't even want to leave the house. The panic attacks would come frequently to visit me, they enjoyed being in touch with me, and being a reminder that I was weak. I wore a mask of emotion to hide my hurting, I didn't know why I felt the way I felt and I believed no one could truly understand it if I didn't understand it myself. After five months of being consumed by darkness, I dropped out of school just so I wouldn't have to see people anymore. I had enough chaos in myself, which made me rarely leave the house in fear that I'd have to feel the chaos on the outside too. I felt like I didn't want to live, didn't want to continue on feeling like there was no point in anything, and in my head nothing was becoming worth it. At times, I'd become so numb that I would need to cut myself, just to know that I still have feeling in me. I knew I could never commit suicide, I couldn't because no matter how bad I felt, I knew that as long as I had things to live for, it was worth it.

Seven months into my depression, I decided to fight back. I stopped cutting, I started to hang out with my friends without getting in fights with them, and I started to appreciate my family. At times I'd get pulled down, but with all of the strength in my heart, I'd fight back, and I would win. It was a constant struggle of dark versus light, contstantly creating destruction in my head, but I didn't want the dark to consume me - I wanted the light. As time went by, I started to grasp onto the light and not let go, I started to become myself again, and I knew that in the end everything would be okay. Depression is not something that can always be explained and it's not something that can always be understood, but it is something that many people go through. I went through it alone, and it took everything I had in me to fight back, to see the light and the joy in things again. All I wanted was someone who understood, and had already been there. The 'To Write Love On Her Arms' organization helped me, it let me know that there were many more souls who had become lost on their own journeys, just as I did, and through this I not only fought back for myself, I fought back for them too. Depression will seep into my pores at my weakest moments, and still today struggle itself into my life, it will forever be a constant battle, but a battle that I refuse to lose. This is my story of how the darkness had consumed me and almost destroyed my life. But this is also the story of how I fought back and held onto the light, and it saved my life.


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