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A Reality Unknown

In one moment, the juxtaposition of a curse and a gift became reality.

I was a successful business person, consultant, entrepreneur, but none of that was satisfying...there was always this mysterious, invisible carrot, "the next thing" that dangled before me. I went to graduate school to pursue counseling psychology, my unfulfilled, childhood dream. I faked my way through school as I had always done. I knew I was intelligent, just not savvy in traditional education. I couldn't remember the facts, but I could write a good story. I was seeing a therapist at the time and she had several years of professional journals for me to access. On a whim, she suggested one day, "Why don't you write your thesis on something to do with dissociation." I was one for ease in preparation and research, so I did. I started to study the concepts and the reality of "I know these truths...this is my story" repeated itself over and over. My life was changed forever the day I started doing research on disorganized attachment and dissociative identity disorder (DID) [multiple personalities] because I realized that I was reading about me and my life. In the last 4-years my life unfolded. I plunged into the depths of reality, actually many realities, many personalities, and emotions. I never had emotions. The only emotion I knew to have was void – function mode. I didn’t have a clue about who I really was, what my family was really about, or how my idyllic view of life was not even close to reality. I am learning to know who I truly am. Most days I say I would go back to ignorance in a second. I hold onto a deep knowing that consciousness is for my good. In one moment, the juxtaposition of a curse and a gift became reality.

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