Chattering to Myself

Truly, no one wants to be reminded of the brokenness of their souls from days gone by; I shall leave mine in the cobwebs of yesteryear’s written memories, a reminder of how far I’ve come.

Today, extracting the good writings from my history in an effort to move forward with my writing career, realizing it won’t be a career unless I do one thing . . . start!, I found the chapters in my life saved to my hard drive in folders named for all the men I’ve ever dated. How silly is that? Most folks save things by date, by title. Oh they all HAD titles, but there are oodles of folders with the names of men on them in my computer. (I used to save notes based upon the person I was dating at the time, a guy timeline of sorts, rather than as dates or years.)

Each chapter in my life, each person I dated, all the notes I wrote . . . Today, reading through some of the notes I’d written I can see how broken I truly was, how needy I’d become, how Co-Dependent, as if they could have given me what I lacked. Self Esteem. What they gave me made it worse.

I’ve decided to pull out the good writings; there are some worth saving, there were folks whom inspired my writing along the way, especially my poetry writing. As for the remainder of my creations? Truly, no one wants to be reminded of the brokenness of their souls from days gone by; I shall leave mine in the cobwebs of yesteryear’s written memories, a reminder of how far I’ve come.

In retrospect I find it rather sad though, I wasted all that time being a needy person, stumbling through life, letting others control me while I could have been enjoying my freedom, my ‘me-ness’. And then I think of all the folks whose souls remain broken, all those lonely hearts on all those dating sites searching, seeking for just one single companion . . . . I am relieved I now know the companion lies within. It’s true what they say, “If you don’t love yourself, how can you expect anyone else to?”