The Moment When I Felt Like Listening To The Rolling Stones

They say that God gives trials to those he loves. So I guess He adores me!

I've never been an emotionally strong person. I try to be but it's safe to say that in my sixteen years of life, I tend to fail quite miserably.

I was diagnosed with Scoliosis at the age of 14. I did hold in the tears for a week but ultimately I ended up crying my eyeballs out. I knew that compared to others who were less fortunate, I certainly didn't have much to cry about. After all, it wasn't as though I had cancer or AIDS or leprosy but getting any type of medical condition isn't something that you want to hear about from your doctor whether you're 14 years young or 40 years old. I began to dread seeing the doctor after failed treatments because the possibility of my condition getting worse was always there. It went to the point where I felt like I needed a therapist more than a physiologist.

I began to abhor hospitals even more when a freak accident of sorts happened to me. They say that God gives trials to those he loves. So I guess He adores me! I had been to hospitals a few times before to get X-rays taken. I certainly didn't expect having to stay in one overnight after a faulty cupboard door crashed down on my foot, forcefully removing my toenail. An even scarier part was that my grandfather wanted to perform Neanderthal surgery on my toe using a pair of kitchen scissors. On the other hand, I guess it wasn’t all bad. I did end up acquiring a set of new skills, namely learning to use crutches and a wheelchair. Although I didn’t demonstrate my newly attained abilities in the hospital seeing as that I didn’t think it would be very much appreciated by the hospital staff. In fact, up to this day my toenail still hasn’t fully grown back yet. Not only that but it keeps frustrating me since it tends to keep getting infected.

Then again, it’s not me that I feel bad for. It’s my parents. As I look in the mirror, I don’t see much being reflected. I don’t think that I’m a very good person. The truth of the matter is that I used to tell everyone around me barefaced lies when I was younger in a struggle of faith. I feel guilty, especially when I think the thoughts ‘Why me?’. I do it sometimes, even to my siblings and then I immediately feel awful since it’s something that I’d never wish onto anyone else. My parents are good people and it’s becoming more and more blatant that they don’t deserve me as a child. I’d have to say that one of my biggest insecurities is that I’m fearful that I’ll never be able to return the favor ever. I’m sure that by now they’re even more fed up with my tears than I am.

That’s right. I cry. In fact, I cry a lot though I guess anyone could have figured out that much by now. I used to cry every single day when I was young and well, I wouldn’t say stupid but it’s safe to say that I obviously hadn’t experienced anything much. I don’t cry as often now. I only let the dams break open once every few months. Of course, when I do cry I cry quite a bit. I might even be able to build a reservoir all by myself! In actuality, I hate crying. Like I wrote before, I do try to be strong but it’s an EPIC FAIL most of the time. Usually I cry because I’m scared. I fear that my health is going to deteriorate. I’m terrified of all the ‘What ifs?’. I’m scared of being scared.

Some people might think that I feel like I’m in dire need of some pity. Honestly, all I actually want is reassurance. I want someone to tell me that it’ll be okay in the end, that somehow everything will work out. That was the moment that I felt like listening to the Rolling Stones. As their song goes, you can’t always get what you want. However, you might find that you already have what you need. I can safely say that’s good enough for me.