Tuesday, July 8th, 2008
What is the most satisfying part of what you do as a dominatrix?
As a young sado-masochist, I was self-destructive in my craving for pain. If I had not found the pillars of BDSM, I would have likely ended up dead or in jail, so knowing that when I work with hard core masochists, allowing them to alleviate the need for pain in a safe environment with careful practice that is not permanently harmful, I feel helpful. The same time, I also am selfishly relieved that I have an outlet for my sadistic craving. There is something very gratifying about taking a piece of flesh and twisting it, holding it still, and digging in.
I have a new client whose situation I feel deeply connected to. Ms X is a mother/wife in her late thirties who confessed that she felt severed from her sexuality. She had undergone a struggle of incredible pain due to childhood leukemia and then again, as a young woman she suffered a hard childbirth. Ms X is a vibrant, attractive woman with sultry eyes and sensual quality–no one would have guessed that she felt this way. She cringed at her therapist’s advice to explore sensual massage or other touchy-feely ideas with her husband and there were no answers in the women’s magazines that addressed the issue with anything more effective than a powder puff and new lingerie. After her close friend told her about exploring BDSM and talking it over with her husband, this woman came to session with me. I can’t say what specifically moved the block—whether it was flogging her backside, binding her into vulnerability, or simply her own choosing to adventure outside of her comfort zone—but after eight years of feeling stale, the woman bloomed. My guess would be that pain had shut down her body’s ability to communicate on a sensual level and that she had to re-experience an allowable pain to feel whole again. But that’s a guess. I don’t claim to really know how the magic works; it just does. There is real joy there when she tells me that so much of her life that was stagnant is flowing again. Her husband even wrote me a thank you note. That is truly satisfying.
In your “Cure for Pain” entry, was the one session with Cleo Du Bois enough to release you from the years of childhood abuse and anger you experienced? Or did you put your dominatrix career on hold to become a masochist for a while?
I had several sessions with Madame Cleo Du Bois and they were steps towards a recovery that is ongoing. I’m not Buddha. I continue to struggle with anger and violence, but at least now I can be more honest in directing and controlling it.
“Switch” is a term in BDSM that refers to those who enjoy playing both the dominant and the submissive roles at different times. It does not mean that the desires are mirrored in one person, though they might be. For example, there are many things that I enjoy doing to my submissives such as fisting, electrical stimulation, and genital torture, that I don’t allow done to me when I choose to play the bottom role. I have never compartmentalized my identity as a masochist from my persona as a dominatrix. I am upfront with all my clients and play partners that I am also a masochist and bondage bottom. One person can be many, many things. I even like to cook.
Had you not become a dominatrix, how do you think you would have made your living?
I don’t think I would be living if I hadn’t found this outlet. I was that sado-masochistic. I do want to make it clear, though, that this is my personal history. I know many dominatrices who have day jobs and are drawn to the profession for other, less fatalistic, perhaps healthier reasons. That said, I come from a middle class, academic family and have my BA from a solid University. I have plenty of other options if I desired them. However, my personality type is extreme. Like the artist who says they couldn’t do anything else but make art, that’s my feeling toward BDSM.
Do you think you will always be in this profession, or do you see yourself in a second career?
I have always harbored several passions, the other significant one being writing. I decided I wanted to be a writer when I was eight years old and won a fuzzy, yellow Pac-Man pen in a story writing contest. It was so cool. Eight years later, I decided I wanted to be a dominatrix when I bought my first riding crop. My other key interest is in Chinese medicine and acupuncture. I think that these three pursuits feed into each other as they are about artistic expression and healing but it may also be said that I choose my professions according to the funky instruments. Crops, needles…Pac-Man.
I am actively pursuing a career in writing. (If anyone would like to send me money for writing these articles, don’t be shy…). I don’t plan to teach. My style of educating is more in guidance than instruction. However, even after I start to make more of a professional career out of writing, I would want to remain in the pro-dom industry for a long while. My hope is that all my choice professions can coexist in little ol’ me.
Is this your last entry?
These articles were going to be my last entries as I assumed I would be loaded with graduate school work—and I was right. I expended my so much of my time balancing school and S&M work that I didn’t even look at these queries until now. I will try to continue answering the list of questions as I can. Thank you for your patience.