“So, what do you do?”

The inevitable question springs up time and time again and I assess the situation. If I am in a non-leather environment (and by that, I don’t mean vegan), I make a quick judgment as to whether the conversation will quickly degrade into an annoying interrogation a la Jerry Springer. I don’t usually find myself in those kinds of crowds though. So I answer: “Writer and Dominatrix.” And I ready myself for the questions.

The first question is almost always the same: “How did you get into that?” I’ve answered this so many times, including in my first diary entry in this space, I don’t really need to write a memoir—enough people have heard me expound upon my life story at cocktail parties that it could eventually be a Manhattan oral tradition—The Legend of Y. I would love to become an urban myth, morphing with every storyteller as in the game of telephone. Eventually, instead of being a professional sado-masochist who’s into latex and leather, I’d become a confessional play-dough-pacifist who’s into platex and weather. That sounds even kinkier.

The questions they want to ask, but usually don’t until after a few drinks is: “Do you have sex with your clients?” If I’m feeling randy, I’ll reply, “Only with my fist”—and make it clear by hitting my fist into my palm like a tough guy that I don’t mean hand-jobs.

No. I don’t have conventional sex with my clients. In fact, approximately 80 percent of my clients don’t have sexual orgasms during our sessions. In BDSM, there is such a thing called the masochist-climax, when the body goes through waves of euphoria induced by the overwhelming sensations—be it pain, pleasure, or a combination thereof. But I do consider professional domination to be part of the sex industry. I put things—metal things, silicone things, rubber things—into people’s places. They don’t put things into my places. They aren’t allowed to even touch me.

I am proud of being a professional dominatrix, but I will admit to being on defensive autopilot when I get unsolicited questions from people who are not familiar with BDSM. I think it’s important to break down stereotypes of media’s flat version of the latex dominatrix and I do enjoy educating; but not all the time, not at every dinner party, nor in a bar full of metrosexuals who look fashionably more fetishistic than I do. So from behind the safe shield of my laptop, I’ve opened my last article for questions and I’m ready to peel back every veil requested. So let’s dance.

How have you seen yourself grow or evolve as a professional in the time since you’ve been one?
As a sadist or top, I’ve honed my skills in the activities that I enjoy. I am always taking classes and learning from other players and pro-doms—whether it’s the proper use of electrical urethra dilators or implementing psychological techniques.

As a professional, I have come to a firm understanding about what I gain from the industry besides the monetary. My role as a dominatrix has evolved into a sort of life coach. I offer a safe space for masochists and submissives to come and let themselves trust, connect, and essentially heal.

As a businesswoman, I made it a criteria to analyze my work every three months to determine how I wanted to steer my practice. As in all business, you can get the clients you want by marketing. I enjoy intricate bondage sessions so my Web site has photos of bondage on my submissives. I don’t offer sessions focused on foot worship, so I don’t have photos of my feet. Simple. Those aspects have changed throughout my career, however. When I first started as a baby-dom, I didn’t know that I did not enjoy foot worship sessions. After all, I do enjoy that activity in my personal affairs; but I found that when I sat for an hour while my feet were being massaged and kissed, I would either kick the client in the mouth from being ticklish or I’d start to fall asleep if the massage was really good. Either way, it wasn’t good for business.

How has it affected your personal life?
As much as any career affects a person’s life, more than a welder’s but less than a secret-service agent. I find that the taboo aspect of my career provides a litmus test for the people I meet, determining who I will associate with, who I will date, etc. On the whole, I am grateful to say that it’s been an enriching foundation for meeting amazing, unconventional people whom I may not have met otherwise. It’s also given me the opportunity to travel and to pursue my career in writing.

Do you find that the pro work increases or decreases your enjoyment of BDSM in your personal life? Does play in your personal life ever feel like work?
Pro-dom work has increased my enjoyment of BDSM in many ways: the aforementioned skills I’ve learned on the job, the costly equipment I can write off as a tax-deduction, and the ability to explore all arenas of my polymorphous perversity all feed my personal BDSM lifestyle.

Second part: great question. At first I was going to answer Yes, sometimes personal play is like work the way that sometimes giving head during sex when you don’t feel like it is like work: you do it to appease your partner. But then I realized that it’s still not work. Work involves business interaction; personal play is purely my desire. There have been times when I am conducting a work session in a certain format, perhaps rigging a particular bondage position, and I think to myself that I want to apply the same situation for my lover. So when I put my lover through the similar scene, it feels like a routine that I’ve done before, but with more intimate connection.

Have you found that attitudes to your profession or the lifestyle have changed over the past few years?
The Net and the rise of fetish images in pop culture (from Marilyn Manson to Angelina Jolie) and in fashion rags (D&G is the fashion equivalent to S&M) have spread BDSM themes to the public eye. However, I don’t think that these images, advertisements, or pornography sites have really demystified BDSM nor made it less taboo. I think that city sophisticates are more casually accepting of other people’s lifestyle, but the profession is still widely disrespected. It is even looked down upon by many in the leather community. I have known certain leather organizations that have decreed that professional dominatrices could not be given administrative roles.

I am glad to see that the current feminist movement has begun to accept the sex industry as a valid, if not empowering, arena—though this is still a hotly debated topic. I don’t really know what the general population thinks of BDSM since I live in New York City, prefer to mingle with open-minded peeps, and am an out-of-the-closet member of the kink team. I have to read the replies to my articles and newspapers to remind myself that there are moral critics out there, hiding in airport bathroom stalls.

When someone you’ve just met asks what you do for a living, how do you respond?
I tell them that I’m Satan. Just kidding. Next question.

What’s the best and worst part of being a pro?
The best part of being a professional dominatrix: a) I get all my sadistic, controlling, nurturing, perverted needs fulfilled and a pocket full of change; b) I really do believe that this is an important, holistic healing service; c) The sexy shoes.

The worst part of being a professional dominatrix: a) Cleaning. After every session, there is about an hour or more of cleaning and, being a germaphobe, I am scrupulous about my equipment. Ropes have to be soaked and hung, metal pieces sterilized in the autoclave, leather disinfected and conditioned. It may sound glamorous to have a house slave cleaning my bathroom, but believe me, I’m not polishing my nails and eating bon bons after the client leaves; b) The profession is quite disrespected and misunderstood, so there is a greater need for balance, affirmation, and empowerment; c) Sexy shoes hurt.

Up Next: More Questions, more answers. Mistress Y plans to answer every question that was posted or is sent to her. To "And what is Love?" by J. Keats, she replies: "What the imagination seizes as beauty must be truth." Like Cher's last farewell tour, she'll be back for the last article again (and again)—until she has no more answers to give and stories to tell.


Tags: BDSM, bondage, dominatrix, Mistress Y