According to Jim
I left mortified. Why couldnâ€™t I have said "Nice weather weâ€™re having," like a normal person?
So Iâ€™m standing at the counter saying good-bye to my friends Mary and Primo. It is the last day of the season, and Iâ€™m making my final purchase at their general store, which wonâ€™t reopen until spring. I look at the man next to me, and it takes only a half second for me to realize that it is Jim Belushi.
I can feel my heart race, my head pound, and beads of sweat gathering like dark purple clouds before a summer storm. This is ridiculous. I donâ€™t even know Jim Belushi. I canâ€™t even name one movie heâ€™s been in. But I know he is famous, and this is always enough for me.
At first I do not acknowledge him. I see that he is with a very pretty young woman. I donâ€™t know where to put my eyes, so I stare at their groceries. They have bread, mustard, relish, and two boxes of Tampax. I donâ€™t know why I said it, I donâ€™t know where it came from, and I still donâ€™t really know what I meant by it. But out of my mouth came, â€œPlanning on doing a lot of bleeding this weekend?"
Luckily for me, heâ€™s a generous sort and a comic as well. He quipped back something about alternative usage, but I couldnâ€™t exactly hear because my sweat and embarrassment had messed with my neurotransmitters.
I left mortified. Why couldnâ€™t I have said "Nice weather weâ€™re having," like a normal person? I thought about it a good deal.
What is this fame thing about, anyway? I know a lot of it has to do with growing up when television was first born. The stars were larger than life, and I lived with the dream that Imogene Coca would die and I would be Sid Caesarâ€™s partner, and then my life would begin. I prayed that Elaine May and Mike Nichols would discover me at a drugstore fountain and ask me to be part of their team.
No one I know goes as far as I do with remarks that beg to be rewritten. So next time I saunter up to a counter and a superstar appears, I know exactly what Iâ€™m going to do: Iâ€™m going to take a deep breath, look them straight in the eye, and say something meaningful, like "Cold enough for ya?"