Why did you do him?
Thursday, August 23rd, 2007
This week’s question:
Scientists have identified 237 reasons people have sex. What’s the strangest reason you’ve ever had for hanky panky?
Next week’s question:
Happy Labor Day! What’s the weirdest or worst job you ever had?
I fooled around with my super hot friend’s roommate and her landlord, largely because I had a crush on her. That wasn’t the only reason, I did like them, but I figured if I couldn’t have her, I could get closer to her somehow through them, but I didn’t tell either guy about my crush. The closest she and I came to hanky panky was making out while playing video games late at night at a bar in Williamsburg, many platonic sleepovers, and once kissing outside a sushi restaurant in LA. I tell myself we’ve slept together by proxy.
I was in a dry spell and coming up on the two-year celibacy mark a couple months before my brother’s wedding. I was a bridesmaid and I had been harboring a crush on one of the groomsmen since high school. I knew I would never be ballsy enough to make a move since my confidence in all things sex-related had been shattered by my born-again virgin stint. So I asked a semi-attractive coworker to help me “get back on the horse” and spent a month, pre-wedding, screwing my brains out. Needless to say, I sealed the deal with said groomsmen and an 11-year crush finally came to fruition.
I once went on a date with a crazy indie rock girl who dragged me to a party where I witnessed the queerest thing I’ve ever seen—a line of dancing transvestites singing Happy Birthday to a woman who called herself “Mister.” Drunk and back at her apartment, I watched her snort coke off a quill pen. Then, hyped up on drugs, she pinned me and refused to let me leave without doing the deed. I thought I’d have to, but after I refused to perform oral I was unceremoniously pushed out of the apartment, which was just fine by me.
I’d already swallowed the Viagra, so I figured I might as well take advantage of the effects.
Because she expected me to.
As I was having a psychotic break in 2000, semen from a divine lion was raining in my room. The next day, the lion raped me orally. Then over about five days the lion had sex with me several times, once in my butt. Day by day, I was regressing in age while the lion was with me, so one day I got my virginity back. I kept regressing till I was about a six year old boy and girl. Then the lion faded away. The experience is still very meaningful for me. I haven’t had sex since. That was nine years ago.
I did his best friend to find out why. Why Klaus had trekked to stay with me in California when he hadn’t seemed in love in Copenhagen. Why such a city boy would put up with my farm town family. Why he would hardly talk to me now, let alone kiss me. That summer in Denmark his mom (my host mother) had warned me that he was charming but bad, which was like telling me not to wear miniskirts because men would look at my legs. He took me to a nightclub on my 17th birthday and that same night went down on me—my first. I was hooked, and four months later, still trying to understand why he had turned so cold. That meant turning to the greasy friend I later named Henrik the Small Dik in a San Francisco hostel.
The sex was disgusting but he spilled: Klaus was in trouble with the mob. He’d been selling hash and skimming the profits and had to get out before they broke his neck. And this: since he’d met me he’d fallen in love, and she was pregnant. “Why did he lie?” I said. “Why did he say he wanted to marry me?” He shrugged. Years later I was in Denmark visiting my host mom. Klaus called. “He wants to explain something to you,” she said. “No,” I said. I wanted him to be left holding the phone.
I lusted for the freedom to love and enjoy it without an ounce of regret or worry or confusion. Then, storybook snowflakes fell on my lips right before he did, and I felt I could live in the silences between our conversation and sips of wine. I wanted to be him. A year later, I still have ideas that stick to me like a sheet of sweat I cannot wipe away, the kind that makes me feel ashamed, so much that all I want is to be at home and completely naked, so the sweat will evaporate. I have questions, which out loud embarass me mostly because I have great things to achieve and to do. But this desire is a sheet of sweat.
It wasn’t my intention to have sex with him that night, after all, I had slept over at guys’ houses before and never had sex. I’m not exactly sure if it was the massage or I was just horny, but when he made his move I didn’t resist. Maybe the multiple orgasms kept me coming back for more. But his penis was really big and his skills in general were top-notch. It’s been 2 years and he pursued me again I’d do it again.
Well, i had this crush on a girl at work for at least 9 months. She finally broke up with her abusive boyfriend….i started bringing her along with me to hang out with my friends and just show her how fun and cool I was. I needed to give her some space since she was still getting over the ex….so i played it cool for a while, not making any direct moves, just some flirting.
Then, one of my best “friends” started to like her, and started successfully stealing her attention from me. I confronted my friend, letting him know she was my target and to back off.
He replied by saying something like, “I understand what your saying, but…..if she likes you she likes you, if not, move on dude.”
I was so pissed and actually hurt when later they started dating (they were just screwing each other) for a while. He ended up in the hospital with a broken hip, and then dumped her one day without reason (he was in a bad mood from painkillers i think??)
A few weeks later, i was back on her short list of guys to call. One night, i got a call at 3 a.m. from her and another girl i knew (a known sexual freak). The call went like this….
Them: “Hey…what’s up? watcha doing?”
Me: “Nothing, just at a lame party….why you up so late?”
Them: “Honestly, we’re drunk as fuck, we’ve been licking each other for hours and we need some real dick…can you come over?”
Me: “I’ll be there in fifteen minutes.”
I’ll let you wonder about the rest…..except this:
The best part was right before I penetrated…the girl i had the crush on, leaned forward and whispered to me, “he can never know about this, ok”
“of course not!” i assured her.
I was so happy to call my other buddy the next morning to tell all of my crazy night…i knew word would get back to the other guy…..Redemption at last! payback is a bitch!
In the end though, he did not seem to care as much as I did….but i still cherish that night.