My Ex: “A Couple of Times”
Monday, January 15th, 2007
Read more reader stories about exes.
Sharon Fishfeld is the co-editor of Smyles & Fish, available in many forms and functions.
Have you ever seen those couples who look so unbelievably, so shockingly, so fuckingly sad? Not in the way that implies they’re unhappy or frustrated or even unfulfilled with one another. But more in that way that resembles a heavy mood dripping down the both—the jointed—of them, from top to bottom, in to out. As if they are mourning the birth of the great true love they are right in the middle of. They are so close and so on, and so on, they just can’t stand it anymore.
Their eyes are red with tears of self-congratulation.
Do you ever see them when you’re walking along—just you. Maybe you’re returning home the morning after what finally proved itself as a one-night stand, or you’re on your way to work, or you’ve just had your heart shredded only a week before and it gets weak at any sign of perforation. I don’t know what state you’re in, but you’re not in their state—not right exactly then, of course, because you’re walking alone—but also because you’re in a general point of “alone-ness” in your life. Maybe you’re dating. Maybe you’re dating but don’t even want to be, but certainly, despite how many sticks in the oven, or logs on the fire, you are not connected or attached or lovey or dovey with any of these logs of late.
+++
It’s too early in the day for this, you think, as you approach their morosity on a neighborhood park bench, her head collapsed on his shoulder, her eyes peering around wide for their audience or admirers or—such as you—the innocently inevitable passersby. They’re hugging and kissing and obviously tender with each other so what could possibly be so wrong that they look two swipes away from slash-wristed double suicide?
They’re grasped tight. They’re young. It’s not that they’re resisting commitment to someone, that they hadn’t expected or wanted to do that. It really does not appear so. Even if anything had been unexpected between them, they’ve still embraced it all, as they now do each other, as if a tidal wave were approaching. You, you’d get carried off alone, you think, if it came in, and in some cases that might be better, you may be at an advantage not having another soul anchoring you down.
You approach them, adjust your skirt or tie or pants. Think about pulling out your phone. Any fidget to distract. You have other things going on besides passing them by, or feeling something for them. The sadness! Their sadness! But why?
They are caving the entire sidewalk in with their weight of reciprocal love.
“Is it so terrible that you’ve found each other?” You want to hiss at them; snap your jaw and be on your singular way.
Was it that the challenge or the hunt was over and they were comforting each other as they came down from prior highs of the dating scene and were now accepting their plateaud fate of future togetherness? “Yeah, doesn’t it just suck when you like realize you’re never gonna date again?” you think to quip at them—in that way, with that cadence that means you’re intending to communicate the exact opposite of what you’re saying. Because in truth you feel nothing for them, except nothing. Including frustration at the gloating gall of it all. Go droop on someone else’s time. You two look close enough, and even happy enough, to me. You’ve concluded and you continue on.
Then—there you are on another day, sitting in the park with your last love. You meet up on a sunny day, on a blanket on the ground, for conversation and books; it had been months and you were finally both ready to be around each other again, in theory. As the sun moves its way along the water, reflecting on alternating ripples, your bodies get closer to each other on the blanket, how it used to be in the park. Your body can’t help but smell familiarity, and is drawn. Drawn in close with a push and pull. Drawn on the page like some pre-determined event in your fated life. Drawn on your palm like a life line. All of a sudden your palm is pressed onto his back and his hand (or is it her hand?) is rubbing your hair and the space of skin behind your ear. You’re laying next to each other, closer and closer, your eyes meeting and darting away and daring to return for another look. Pins and needles thread their way through your heart and body; it’s unbelievable that here you are, back here, back in a gaze. It’s passing, it’s recollection. You’re both big enough to understand that. Still, of course, there is the fact of history, the fact of attraction and potential. It’s more than you’d thought you’d bare on this blanket, on this sunny day.
Everything feels weighted and keeps you close to the ground. Your eyes on him, your eyes to the grass, your eyes to the water, your eyes that pass over one person or another. Eyes wide and watery, floating in confusion. Regret, sadness, grief of this lost love. Did you just not get a good grip on it? What if you wore gloves next time? You know, the kind with the grooves in them? But are you really contemplating a “next time” together? Just because the sun is hitting just right and your hands feel just right as they rub and scratch and knead and need and apologize that they couldn’t have done more to keep you two together.
It’s relieving and frightening and comforting and depressing to be around each other, so close, your legs around his legs.
+++
And as a stranger walks by, and your eyes speak only exactly what you are going through in that moment on the blanket in the neighborhood park, when it must look like you are a couple snuggling in love, you wonder now whether this is what you’ve been bumping into when you have been the stranger, walking alone. Are you in fact encountering non-couples, past-couples, re-couples, two-somes reconsidering their end, revisiting their feelings towards one other?
Is this who everyone is? Because this is who you are now. And you can’t pipe in and clarify to the passing stranger who’s just noticed your ridiculous, begging eyes: “No, you don’t understand, we’re not together, we don’t work together, we tried, believe me we tried, we really wanted it to work out, and for so many reasons, but it just…it just never got there, we couldn’t ever figure it out either. Strange because we care for each other, are attracted to each other, admire each other. Believe me, we tried. This is not us trying again, either, by the way, this is just us in the park, after a pause after the defeat. This, this is not what it looks like. This actually is sadness.”
And the passing stranger would think, and maybe even say, “Look, whatever it is, you’re on a blanket with someone who’s touching you. Touching your hair, and your heart.” They might sigh right there, and continue. “It may be fleeting, it may be recollective, it may be confused sensory memories. It may be loneliness. It may even be rebirth—though you two seem pretty adamant to the contrary—but whatever it does amount to, is it not to be cherished? Is it not more than what I have at the same exact moment in time? This moment. Right now. Human love is yours right now, even if only right now, but right now. You’re in the middle of living it.
So, honestly, don’t even tell me, because I’m leaving, and I don’t care, but take the time to ask yourself if you can: Why is it that you have to look out, look around, and look so sad?
Hello, I have read your story blog, and find it quite amaze how much I am connect with such emotion and experience. I think is very much humans experience, and for human on every continent in every country the world.
It is topic I discuss much with the friends, because we all - at some times in life- go through such story, but still for some reason, feel alone for such experience.
What the disturbing part is, when you know that such person is wrong for you/ eachother, but yet you keep to lie to self and try to be the friend- keep try to have such person in life. Only to realise they hurt you all times, even though such love experience have at one time exist. I most particularly enjoy this thought from you which say “It’s relieving and frightening and comforting and depressing to be around each other” So to me I think only way to be strong person is to KNOW this how you will feel and force self not to be in such contact with person no more. Because to call friend, is to lie to self. That “friend” have hurt you somehow… that “friend” perhap continue to lie to you somehow (sometime because they mite think it “spare your feeling”) but then to be honest to self you must think- are we really friend if can’t be honest- if still make sad, or upset, or still lean on any way.
You also have mention “heart shredded only a week before and it gets weak at any sign of perforation”.. Maybe not even heart was shread a week before- perhap 2-3 year before. But you feel so weak everytime you know how ex lover move on with out you (even if you also have, sometime still make you upset that they NEVER WANTED YOU really..) When you hear the story how exlover get married to someone new for example, make you realise no matter what they have say when they was with you (like not want to get married, or soon.. such such such…) but then they go to marry someone else, because really have always want to get married, but knew you is not love of their life (!) (for me was in 1/2 such time as we have been together! And then she marry such man she have cheat on me with- so I know she leave me because she really never find love in me, and she cheat on me, and we together for 5 year, and then she marry such man in 2! ) Now she want to still be friend, but finally I say to self every time I think on this- even though I have beautiful wife now also, and best life ever than befopre and beautiful little baby to come soon… I no longer need the memory how this other person leave me, lie to me, “protect me”- is such protection really so degrading!
I do hope you understand my English- Is bad now, have been living in the Russia and not United States much anymore. But I have seen such blog and very much connect, And I have like very much how you have write it. Very understand for all the human experience. And very much I think for anyone who feel the: “heart shredded only a week before and it gets weak at any sign of perforation”
because like you say,: “This actually is sadness” And I think you must stop it.
and stop the lie of fake-friend.
Thanks to you for blog!! :o) Sasha
Chalgachalga@yahoo.com
Agree with the guy above! Once they aren’t yours anymore you can’t just stick around waiting in the wings for any scrap of attention they might toss your way. Like an abused puppy just looking to get any attention no matter how feable, some signal of a shred of love from the person who willingly left you behind. It drives me nuts-my best friend’s boyfriend dumped her over 2 years ago- after cheating on her and lying to her about it for months. The other woman was immediately in his life. He went back to her once out of guilt (admitedly my friend is a drama queen and made the (in my opinion long overdue) break-up brutal on him) and then he left her in the dust for final. She begged him to reconsider the 7 years they’d spent together, to try to work it out, go to therapy, etc.. but he was done with her. Yet my friend will still- 2.5 years later- text message him, send electronic cards, call.. most of the time he doesn’t respond at all or just tosses her just a scrap. But once in a blue moon he signs off “luv u” or xox- some totally innocuous gesture and she actually takes it to mean they still have some extrordinary connection. It makes her appear so insecure. Well, I suppose its just an indicator of her actual rampant insecurity- unfortunately grasping at straws to make this guy still pay attention to her (IE the cutsey text messages he ignores) only makes her self esteem denegrate further. Guess I’m venting- she just left my apt. after arriving in tears 3 hours ago after hearing they are moving in together. Hes giving the other woman more commitment in 1/4 the time than he ever gave her in their entire r’ship. But the fact that shes still desprately trying to hang on and be in his life, is making her realize this more and more. Making her feel worse and worse about his only occasional, detached and fleeting attention to her. How do you tell your best friend that you think the only reason he calls her back at all is because shes a pain in the ass and he probably wants her off his back- hes decent to her when he does (and that in turn only feeds the beast..or that hes just taking pity on her- and that she really seems to be cracking??!?
Man, so what do you guys want a guy to do when he leaves a girl he’s not in love with and doesn’t want to be with any more- who made him miserable for a long time even when he tried to be good to her- who endured verbal abuse and an unloving relationship because he found a great girl who was spirited, fun, trusting, loving, supportive and HAPPY? My ex- who I was with for about 6 years was all the opposite of the qualities I just mentioned above.
I know. You’re asking “so why did you stick with her so long?”. I tell you; its because at first she was exciting. A couple years later you move in together. The nagging starts. But its ‘just who she is’. But she doesn’t trust you out with your posse. She doesn’t trust your intentions- you start to slowly see the insecurities screaming through - and then they start beating you. Beating you with names like stupid, and lazy, and usless-you’d thought this girl had your back, and the next thing- she’s your enemy. And you try to patch it up- you don’t want to fail. But she belittles you so constantly that you question your self, your worth, your purpose. You start to hate her.
And then this girl comes along. And she’s different. She’s light. And happy. And independent. She doesn’t NEED you. She’s interested in your ideas, your art, she encourages and supports…. And you look back to that other girl- in your house. Who hates you too. And you can’t wait to break free.
And when you decide its time. Suddenly you realize that the reason this girl you’ve been with so long is so horrible is because of those insecurities- and fear- causing the lashing out. And you tell her its over and still she tries to control you. But when she finally realizes you mean it and finally clues in that you are in love with some one else. Something strange happens- she breaks. You have not seen this before and suddenly there is a guilt and responsibility associated.
For me- it hurt to see her spin out of control. But only convicted me further about her instability. 3 years later she too texts me- calls me. Tells me about all her boyfriends (and fiancees!). I suspet much of it for show. She remains filled with drama, insecure, needy and angry. It comes inspurts directed at me- or anyone- and then the apologies, the begging. You realize its her cycle- it would have been my life. Every time I talk to her I feel so thankful I broke away. I think, partially, I remain her friend to remind myself how lucky I am today.
I am FINALLY happy. The ‘new’ woman remains by my side- now as my wife. The most soulful beautiful angel I’ve ever known. My ex- well- she’s an old chapter.Yes- as someone above mentioned- part of the reason I keep in touch is because I pity her and feel like I should be a friend. She’s a drama queen, a pain in the ass- she even has the balls to get angry with my decisions. But I know its because she hasn’t let go. I know her stories of new men and break ups are slightly subversive. Its her nature. I’ve got her number. Ill talk to her now to MY comfort level. I CHOOSE to only inform her very limited information on my life because I don’t care for her to really know me anymore- and how I’ve grown- and how my sweet wife is everything to me she never could be.
But still-how can I just tell her to fuck off ? I just keep hoping she gets it on her own and one day finds happiness, and friendship that doesn’t have to rely on me. Its a burden to me. She’s a burden to me. Yet I feel I should bear it til she’s got her shit together enough to finally move on. Until then I’ll occasionally reply to her ‘cutsey’ texts, emails and sometimes sign off “luv u” and xoxox. And internally be thanking my lucky stars that that is all I have invested in her anymore.
I can relate to what you are saying, I am that woman, your ex girl friend . I gave my ex a hard time, i was needy, dramatic and generally one thorn in his side just because iwas insecure about myself i had to pull my beautiful ex boyfriend down. I have set him free and want him to find hapiness as I was one bitch.
You guys should download the song “How Long” from Hinder. It rocks and is allll about this stuff…
“she said she wants to be friends… I took a big step back… she said she said she said she’s sorry- WITH ONE FINGER…”
So why did you want to bring him down- why the thorn? Did he fuck with you? Whats the story? We live in the same town and I see her around alot. I think shes doing the same. Maybe I should just play like I don’t see her
There’s some great writing here. Isn’t it funny how similar so much of our lives are. Isn’t it weird that it took me so long to get away from my ex-wife, and I’m hard at the drop of a hat, wanting to be inside her again?
Sasha man, please tell me you’re still scanning this. I’ve been trying to find you- I think I heard what happened, its all rumor and terrible. If you need a place, come to Alaska- I can get you a job and a home. God dude, praying you are ok. Chalgachalga Sasha, chalgachalga. -Big D